Dear Supporters, Members and Undecided,

We are happy to inform you that our coalition is growing exponentially.

Our members continue to hunt successfully in all urban areas of the United

States of America, thus saving money on food and significantly enhancing

their lifestyles.

The Urban Hunting Coalition is proud to say that we have already made

a significant economic contribution to the American economy.

Here are a few examples:

a. The “Whole Food” supermarket chain has downsized their downsizing.

b. The “Quick and Easy” chain is growing, especially since they joined

our Urban Hunting Coalition Affiliates Program.

c. UHC has now opened its own new fast food chain, Pigeons Feast (for

a quick bite if you haven’t had time to hunt).

Social Activities:

a. Host your own Tea Party movement.

b. Participate in our Hummer parade, held each year in beautiful Pasadena,

California.

c. Become a contestant in the Miss Urban Hunter Beauty Pageant (women only!).

Volunteer Opportunities:

Join our women’s movement, “Save America’s Borders.” Our female members

personally take their stand on the Mexican border to block the illegal

traffic of immigrants, drug smugglers, and anchor babies.

Questions and Concerns:

Since the Urban Hunting movement has grown so quickly, we have fewer

and fewer species to hunt. There are almost no pigeons left in the Los

Angeles, New York, and Boston areas. Do you think we should start some

kind of endangered species list, or just keep hunting until the job is done?

Paul and I were SO inspired recently by Sarah Palin’s moose hunting (moose killing) episode on her reality show.I think she is a political genius.  Her appeal to the target audience here (no pun intended) is very powerful.

Paul and I were fantasizing about what would happen if we were to follow her example in Los Angeles or some other urban area.

First, we could open a nonprofit organization with a name like “Urban Hunting Coalition.”  Membership would be private, with special discounts for tea party members activists.  I would be in charge of fund raising campaigns in the Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York areas.  (Highly profitable and less profitable areas would be equally divided among the other hunters.)  It would focus on equal opportunity employment for hunters; I like to be politically correct and avoid potential confrontations with Hunters Union members.  If I raise enough money, I can quit my corporate job (which I don’t like that much anyway).

Training Manual for Urban Hunters:

(Especially recommended to Whole Foods shoppers, for major grocery bill reduction, and to Tea Party activists, because it is the quickest way back to traditional American values.)

1. Prepare and plan your road kill trip carefully.

2. If you have a dog, you can train your pooch to be a hunting helper (cats, not so much).  We recommend taking your dog to hunting classes at your local dog fashion boutiques.

3. If you wish to buy a hunting dog, the most recommended breeds are:

Poodles (all sizes, including tea cup poodle).  Don’t be afraid that tea cup poodles are too small; they especially good for hunting pigeons.  Pigeons may not be so great as food, due to their toilet habits, but hunting them is good for the environment.

Chihuahuas.  They have proven to be a good hunting dogs, especially for skunks.  Skunks are known to have a special sexual attraction to urban Chihuahuas (they get so aroused that they forget to fart, and if you are quick you can kill them with a knife).

4. The best hunting outfits can be purchased at Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales, on Rodeo Drive, Sunset Plaza, and Fascist Island; by now, we assume there are also good spots in the Manhattan area.

If you are a bargain hunter, we recommend use Loehmanns, Fifth Avenue Off, and Nordstrom Rock.  For online shopping, try Guilt.com: they have some special road-kill jewelry, shoes, and clothes on sale.  You can shop there while at work.

5. Please use Japanese Samurai blades.  Very sharp, quick, and easy to wash blood off.

6. Do not hunt for dogs; you could end up killing your boss’s dog.

7. Squirrels are good road kill.  They are adorable, and you can reuse their skin for fur coats or short jackets.  The more squirrels you kill, the longer the jacket you have.  Something to be proud of.

8. The best brand of jeans for urban hunters is True Religion.  They have a lot of pockets in the back; you can keep your bullets and other ammunition there.  Your ass will become a weapon of mass distruction!  Tip: you can also use false breasts for this purpose.

9. Use American made weapons; avoid Kalashnikovs and Uzis.  We don’t buy products from our competitors (probably most of them are made in China anyway).  We don’t want to move American jobs to China and India.

That’s it for now.  We are currently working on additions and modifications to our training manuals.  Please feel free to share your thoughts and ideas on the subject.

I almost forgot.  Sarah Palin, thank you very much for the inspiration you give to all of us, and feel free to share all your current and future ideas on this subject and other subjects as well.  It is our pleasure to offer you completementary free membership in our newly established  ”Urban Hunting Coalition.”