Paul and I were SO inspired recently by Sarah Palin’s moose hunting (moose killing) episode on her reality show.I think she is a political genius.  Her appeal to the target audience here (no pun intended) is very powerful.

Paul and I were fantasizing about what would happen if we were to follow her example in Los Angeles or some other urban area.

First, we could open a nonprofit organization with a name like “Urban Hunting Coalition.”  Membership would be private, with special discounts for tea party members activists.  I would be in charge of fund raising campaigns in the Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York areas.  (Highly profitable and less profitable areas would be equally divided among the other hunters.)  It would focus on equal opportunity employment for hunters; I like to be politically correct and avoid potential confrontations with Hunters Union members.  If I raise enough money, I can quit my corporate job (which I don’t like that much anyway).

Training Manual for Urban Hunters:

(Especially recommended to Whole Foods shoppers, for major grocery bill reduction, and to Tea Party activists, because it is the quickest way back to traditional American values.)

1. Prepare and plan your road kill trip carefully.

2. If you have a dog, you can train your pooch to be a hunting helper (cats, not so much).  We recommend taking your dog to hunting classes at your local dog fashion boutiques.

3. If you wish to buy a hunting dog, the most recommended breeds are:

Poodles (all sizes, including tea cup poodle).  Don’t be afraid that tea cup poodles are too small; they especially good for hunting pigeons.  Pigeons may not be so great as food, due to their toilet habits, but hunting them is good for the environment.

Chihuahuas.  They have proven to be a good hunting dogs, especially for skunks.  Skunks are known to have a special sexual attraction to urban Chihuahuas (they get so aroused that they forget to fart, and if you are quick you can kill them with a knife).

4. The best hunting outfits can be purchased at Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales, on Rodeo Drive, Sunset Plaza, and Fascist Island; by now, we assume there are also good spots in the Manhattan area.

If you are a bargain hunter, we recommend use Loehmanns, Fifth Avenue Off, and Nordstrom Rock.  For online shopping, try Guilt.com: they have some special road-kill jewelry, shoes, and clothes on sale.  You can shop there while at work.

5. Please use Japanese Samurai blades.  Very sharp, quick, and easy to wash blood off.

6. Do not hunt for dogs; you could end up killing your boss’s dog.

7. Squirrels are good road kill.  They are adorable, and you can reuse their skin for fur coats or short jackets.  The more squirrels you kill, the longer the jacket you have.  Something to be proud of.

8. The best brand of jeans for urban hunters is True Religion.  They have a lot of pockets in the back; you can keep your bullets and other ammunition there.  Your ass will become a weapon of mass distruction!  Tip: you can also use false breasts for this purpose.

9. Use American made weapons; avoid Kalashnikovs and Uzis.  We don’t buy products from our competitors (probably most of them are made in China anyway).  We don’t want to move American jobs to China and India.

That’s it for now.  We are currently working on additions and modifications to our training manuals.  Please feel free to share your thoughts and ideas on the subject.

I almost forgot.  Sarah Palin, thank you very much for the inspiration you give to all of us, and feel free to share all your current and future ideas on this subject and other subjects as well.  It is our pleasure to offer you completementary free membership in our newly established  ”Urban Hunting Coalition.”

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Pontius Pilate is IN!

Today Pontius Pilate officially became a member of our household. Paul brought him in the morning before breakfast. I had to admit that Pontius Pilate was a very attractive parrot. He was big, with green, and red wings. At first, he was probably in shock from the new environment, so he stayed very quiet. “See?” said Paul. “He is a quiet and peaceful creature.” I had nothing to say, but I hoped that it would be the case. Pontius Pilate was studying us very carefully, and we were studying him. Mo even stopped moving in her tank, which is her way of being flattering; Maximilian sat next to Paul, trying establish his seniority.

I gave him some food which Paul had brought from the parrot’s previous owner; and everything was looking like a nice family breakfast, until I took some cheese out of the fridge and put it on the table. I was planning to make a nice cheese sandwich for myself.

As I put the cheese on a piece of bread, all of a sudden, Pontius Pilate began screaming with his squeaky, irritating voice “Sarah Palin for Presidente!”

We were in total shock. Maximilian ran to hide under the bed in Paul’s bedroom; Paul was almost hypnotized by the screaming. I also lost my orientation slightly, and the cheese fell on the floor. Pontius Pilate start screaming “Sarah Palin for Presidente” even louder. After I recovered from the initial shock, it was clear that the parrot was demanding something. But what?

Paul and I were obviously concerned about the possibility that Sarah Palin might become the next Presidente. But why “Presidente,” in Spanish? In a minute it became clear to us. It was definitely the bad influence of Pontius Pilate’s previous caretaker, who was a Mexican legal unintellectual servant.

Nevertheless, the situation in the kitchen was evolving rapidly. When Maximilian saw cheese on the floor, he quickly forgot his fears and ran back to the kitchen to grab it. To prevent a possible messy case of diarrhea, I picked it up. When I looked at Pontius Pilate, he was staring at the cheese. It hit me that the parrot wanted cheese!!!!

So I gave him the piece of cheese. He ate it in a second, and before he had the chance to start screaming again, I gave him another one. When Pontius Pilate had eaten all the cheese, he again became peaceful and quiet.

So we solved the first mystery of Pontius Pilate. The parrot simply is a cheese lover! “Sarah Palin for Presidente” was just his magic phrase. It would get him anything he wanted from a member of the Tea Party movement and supporter of Prop 8.